Save Me (The Broken Souls Series Book 1) Read online

  “She doesn’t fucking know?” Tattoo Guy looks stunned as he turns to Big Guy. “How is that possible?”

  “Somebody better tell me what it is that I don’t know before I blow a gasket. He’s okay, right?” My voice is shaking. I think my whole body is shaking as little things start to piece together. I need confirmation though. I’m praying my imagination is just getting away from me.

  “No,” Longhair Guy states quietly, averting his gaze from mine. “He’s not okay. He passed away.”

  “That’s not possible. The private investigator just found him a few days ago. He would have seen if he was-” I choke back the word dead. “Gone.”

  “That’s because he was alive up until three days ago. You’re just in time for the visitation tonight and the funeral tomorrow,” Big Guy answers, his gaze sympathetic and still so defeated.

  “No,” I whisper. “No.”

  The one word repeats in my head over and over again. They’re wrong. They have to be wrong.

  “I’m afraid so.” Longhair Guy pauses to look at his friends, all of them silently communicating around me. “He killed himself.”

  That can’t be true, no. I can’t wrap my head around what they’re saying. Declan can’t be gone. I came back for him. I came to be with him and get the happy life we both deserved. He wouldn’t kill himself. He always promised me that he would never do that. It was supposed to be my turn to save him, I was supposed to save both of us. This wasn’t meant to happen. I don’t want to believe it, but the sadness and grief I see written all over the three guys in front of me, tells me that they aren’t playing me.

  I drop to my knees, too weak to hold myself up any longer as my own grief consumes me. A broken wail tears through me, the sound so loud and piercing, it doesn’t even feel like me.

  Fuck! I had to take so fucking long to come to him. He needed me and I wasn’t fucking there. Of course I can’t save anyone, I can’t even save my-fucking-self. I’m still tortured every night in my nightmares because I’m a fucked up person pretending to be okay. I’m not okay, just like Declan wasn’t okay and I wasn’t even here for him. My chest hurts as I think about the pain he must have been in to feel he needed to end it. I want to rip out my heart as it shatters inside of me at the thought of Declan feeling like he had nothing left to live for. At least nothing that helped him deal with his demons that haunted him.

  I vaguely feel someone touching me, but my body is so numb. I should be terrified of being in a room with three large men and in such a vulnerable state, but I don’t fucking care anymore. It’s like I can’t care about any potential danger I could be in when all I want to do is follow him. If Declan couldn’t handle this world and the shit we went through anymore then there isn’t any hope for me. He was always the strong one between the two of us. He was the one who talked me out of taking my own life when I saw no way out as a teenager. If there was no hope left for him, I have no hope of beating this either.

  “It’s okay, Alayna.” I hear a deep voice whisper, trying to bring me back from the dark abyss my mind has spiralled into. “It’s going to be okay.”

  “No!” I scream. “Don’t you understand that it’s never going to be okay? He saved me so many times and I failed him when he needed me to be the one to save him.”

  “You can’t put his decision on yourself. We were here and we couldn’t save him either. He thought about finding you, but he was so messed up. He didn’t want to screw you up even more with his demons.” I look up, surprised it’s the big guy beside me talking and rubbing my back. His tone is soft and soothing, but it barely scratches the surface of the agony tearing me apart. “You aren’t to blame for someone else’s choices. We can’t save people who don’t want to be saved and he didn’t want to be saved.”

  I stare at him for a moment before dropping my head between my legs. I know he’s trying to talk sense into me. I know what he’s saying makes sense, but my grief is clouding my mind and not letting any of his words penetrate my head. There’s so many questions in my mind. There are so many things I feel like I need to know surrounding his death but I can’t bring myself to ask the questions. I can’t bring myself to hear about his struggles or how he hated life so much that he felt his only option was death.

  “He broke his promise,” I whisper to no one in particular, my voice breaking along with my heart. “He promised he would never take his own life. He promised he would always find something worth fighting for. He promised.”

  “He promised us, too. But Declan was great at breaking promises. He wanted to please everyone too much so he just told you what you wanted to hear,” Tattoo guy chimes in. “If there was one thing you could count on him for, it was always telling you exactly what you wanted to hear.”

  “I never noticed that about him before. I guess you guys knew him in different circumstances than I did though.” I sigh, shaking my head and slowly pulling myself together. “When is the visitation?”

  “In about an hour,” Big Guy says, holding out a hand to help me up. “You can come with us if you want.”

  “Oh, ah, sure. I don’t really know my way around here so I’ll take you up on that.” I give him a little nod, ignoring his hand and pushing myself up off the ground. “I’m also sorry for punching you earlier. I get why you were acting like a royal dick.”

  "Dude! This little girl punched you?" Tattoo Guy asks, a mocking laugh riding his words.

  "Call me a little girl one more time and I'll hit you as well," I snap with my bitchiest glare in place. I've decided that TG is my least favourite of the three of them.

  "Woah! Calm down there, sweetheart. You don't want to try that with me." He sends me a cocky smile. "I'm the brawler of the group."

  "Well I'm a black belt in Jiu Jitsu and a self defence teacher. I think I can take you," I flutter my eyelashes as I sneer at him. "Sweetheart."

  TG looks absolutely pissed as the other two guys burst out laughing. He probably thought I was some helpless girl who doesn't know anything. I'm fucking not and if he tries to mess with me then I'll show him exactly who the fuck he's dealing with. There's a reason women like to flock to my bar over other people's, I don't fucking tolerate anything. I have a reputation in my town as someone who doesn't take any shit. I raise an eyebrow as I have a stand off of sorts with the asshole in front of me.

  "Come on fighter! Let's get you something to drink," Long hair smirks, amusement dancing in his eyes. "Adam, go cool off. Riggs, did you want a drink as well?"

  "Sure thing, Rhys." Riggs smiles at me.

  Ah! That's their names. I guess I should use them over the nicknames I gave them. I have a bad habit of giving people nicknames when I don't know their names. I usually don't say them out loud, but I have been known to slip up every now and then. I sit on a stool that Riggs pulls out for me.

  "Can I just have a glass of water? I'm not a drinker," I ask as I have a seat.

  "Of course," Rhys says as he moves to grab a glass from the cupboard.

  Riggs sits down beside me, smiling as I look up at him. This guy is seriously huge in a very intimidating way but I sense no malice from him. If Declan trusted these guys then my instincts tell me to trust them as well. I've fallen into trusting them quicker than I expected but I already had a vulnerable moment with them and no one made any negative moves. That on top of them being Dec's best friends tells me everything I need to know about them right now.

  "So Alayna," Riggs starts. "You said you're a self defence teacher?"

  "Yeah, I volunteer doing it three times a week. I own a bar for my actual job though." I smile, thanking Rhys as he hands me a cold glass of water.

  "You own a bar?" Rhys asks with a shocked expression. "That's really impressive."

  "Why? Because I'm a woman?" I raise my eyebrow at him, daring him to agree.

  "No, because you're twenty seven years old and you don't drink. It seems like a weird and ambitious career choice is all."

  "Oh," I murmur. "I guess it is. I was kind of thrown
into it, but I actually really enjoy running the bar. It's become a safe haven for me. Something that I can control when so much is outside of my control."

  The guys nod at this, not quite sure what to say. I wouldn’t know what to say to that super personal shit either. Too much information! Now would be a great time to bury my head in the ground to hide from the emotional word vomit that I just threw everywhere. They didn't need to know that shit. I don’t even know these guys.

  Fuck, I’ve already broken so many of my own rules being here with these three strange men. I have rules for a reason, yet I let myself break all of them because they knew Declan. Like knowing Declan somehow makes them all great people who would never hurt me. Such a fucking idiot move.

  “If you guys just write down the address, I’ll meet you there. I need to change into something more appropriate anyways.” My instant mood change seems to throw them for a loop, both of them staring at me with bewildered expressions. Standing up, I make it clear that I’m leaving no matter what.

  Riggs looks like he wants to object, but Rhys stops him with a hand on his chest. Rhys pulls out a notepad from one of the kitchen drawers, writing down the address for me with a soft smile on his face. He hands it over making sure to avoid touching me as he does. I must look as anxious as I feel if he’s going through this much trouble to not scare me. My fight or flight has kicked in and this time flight is taking over.

  “Thank you,” I mumble as I rush to the door. I can’t believe I let my guard down for so long with them. What if something happened? Fucking rookie move.

  As I practically run out of the house, I barely catch a glimpse of Adam’s scowl as I head outside, straight to my car. I quickly check my back seat to make sure I don’t have any surprise visitors before jumping in. Checking to make sure all my doors are locked tightly, I grip the steering wheel until my knuckles go white. My heart feels like it’s imitating the rhythm of a hundred humming birds in my chest as my anxiety takes over. It’s hard to breathe, it’s hard to think straight.

  Running through the facts in my mind, I try to calm myself down. I know that nothing went wrong. I know that I am okay and those guys didn’t hurt me. There’s so many facts telling me I was not in danger, but anxiety and c-PTSD are a bitch. I can’t convince my mind or my body that we’re not in danger. My body is a hurricane of emotions over Declan’s death, the three strangers that could have taken advantage of me, and the idea that I am truly, utterly alone in this world.

  Tears stream down my face as I try to pull myself together. This isn’t the time or the place for this panic attack right now. I’m still sitting in front of their house. They could come out at any moment and yet, I still can’t move.

  Five things you see

  Four things you feel

  Three things you hear

  Two things you smell

  One thing you taste

  Running through my exercise, I calm myself down enough to drive back to my motel. The drive is a bit hazy as I think through every worry and what-if of the future. The thing about anxiety is it makes even the most unbelievable possibilities seem like reality. It’s terrifying and debilitating worrying about the worst case scenario like it’s the most probable scenario. What if they lure me to the visitation to kidnap me into a human trafficking ring? The logical side of my brain knows that’s fucking absurd, yet the emotional side is convinced that’s what could happen.

  I need to breathe and remember that life isn’t always my worst nightmare. It’s just so hard to remember when my worst nightmares are based off of my real past. I don’t know if I can go say goodbye to Declan. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to see his friends again and act like I’m not a broken woman one step away from shattering. This trip is the exact opposite of what I was expecting. Everyone knows you shouldn’t get your hopes up because it’s the fastest way to disappointment. Still, I was so desperate to find my comfort zone again that I ran headfirst not just into disappointment, but also brutal heartbreak.

  I can do this for him. He would have done it for me. I can say good-bye then leave. Just head back to the empty life where I’ll forever be alone. Sounds perfectly horrible which is exactly what I deserve for ever leaving him.

  Chapter Four

  Rhys

  “She’s just sitting there,” Riggs growls impatiently, looking through the front window. “I should go check on her. I don’t want her to be alone while she breaks down like that, it’s not right.”

  “Leave her be,” I chide Riggs. Squeezing his shoulder, I move him away from the window. Alayna doesn’t need us witnessing her in this vulnerable moment.

  “I just don’t understand what happened.” Riggs shakes his head, his brows furrowed in confusion. “Everything was going okay after the initial reaction to the news. Wasn’t it?”

  “Do you remember how Declan would get wasted and talk about his past?” I ask, continuing when he nods. “He didn’t tell us much about what happened to Alayna, he preferred to talk about her and their happy times. But based on the fact that they shared that house of horrors, I can surmise what happened to her as well.”

  Riggs' face goes pale as understanding washes over him. If even half the shit that happened to Dec happened to Alayna, she’s going to have deep scars. It won’t be easy showing her she can trust us, but we need to. There’s no way in hell I’m letting that beautiful, broken woman walk away from us. I couldn’t help Dec fight his demons, but I’m sure as fuck going to help Alayna slay hers. Looking out the window again, keeping an eye on her, I sigh when I see her car gone. I hope she drove when she was more pulled together. It’s dangerous to drive when emotions are that high.

  “She was so scared of us,” Adam mocks, walking into the room with a bottle of water in his hands. “I have no fucking idea why she willingly walked into our house if all that shit happened to her. Declan took months to warm up to us yet she let Riggs touch her almost right away. I don’t trust her.”

  “She just found out Declan died you fucking prick,” Riggs shouts, his knuckles turning white with his anger. “You don’t trust her because she had a vulnerable moment when she found out someone she loved died? What the hell, man?”

  “If she loved him so fucking much, where was she the last ten years?” Adam retorts with an eye roll. There’s so much resentment pouring off of him as he speaks. “Even the last fucking five years? You want me to believe that it’s completely coincidence that she showed up as his music took off then he died, leaving a suicide note with a vague mention about giving her everything?”

  “Alayna has nothing to do with his death,” I snap, pinching the bridge of my nose. “If you even try to suggest that again I will kick your ass so hard you’ll need a wheelchair. We don’t know her story and until she tells us, you will not insinuate anything. Have some goddamn respect for Declan and the woman he loved.”

  “How would she even know about Dec’s letter? It’s not public knowledge,” Riggs jumps in with a good point, looking smug as hell.

  Adam is always jumping to the worst conclusions with no proof. He thinks everyone is a liar, cheater, or just evil. You can’t convince him to give second chances to anyone. You can’t ask him to overlook flaws or bad choices. His impression of you will forever be a negative one unless you can somehow earn his trust then never lose it. I have never met anyone with more trust issues than him and that’s saying something since I work in law enforcement.

  Used to work in law enforcement, I remind myself. I’m on leave for the foreseeable future, which really means forever. I can’t even find it in me to be upset about that. I can’t find it in me to feel much of anything.

  “The cops probably called her,” Adam shouts, continuing with his accusations. “That or his lawyer since he was trying to find her for that bogus inheritance letter. She probably already knew he was dead and just wanted to fucking grave rob him.”

  A red haze fills my vision as my intense anger takes over. It’s an odd change from the numbness I usually feel. G
rabbing Adam by his dress shirt, I throw him against the wall and push my forearm against his throat. I refuse to let him speak like this about the only good person Declan had in his life before us. This is my house and he will not be disrespected like that.

  “You better watch your tongue, asshole,” I bite out. My lips are pulled back in a sneer as I stare him down. “There will be no disrespect of Alayna or Declan in my house. Do you understand? One more word and you’ll find yourself on the street.”

  Adam swallows deeply before speaking a raspy understood through his near closed throat. Releasing him, I step away and give him space to collect himself. The tensions are running high between all of us and we need to separate from each other for a bit. This visitation is too important to have us creating a scene and ruining everything. Especially now that Alayna will be there and this will be her only goodbye. We had a few hours with Dec while he was in a coma to say our peace, she didn't have that.

  "Let's finish getting ready so we can go to the visitation. We all need to cool down and be on our best behaviour," I suggest calmly. "We'll meet back down here in twenty minutes so we can head off."

  Both Adam and Riggs nod, heading in different directions to get ready. I sit in the chair in our living room, dropping my head in my hands while I work through everything that's happened.

  I can't believe she's here. If I had a dime for every time Dec raved and swooned over his first love Alayna, I would be able to afford an island off of Hawaii. The fact that she showed up three days after he killed himself makes me sick to my stomach with heartache. They were so close to being back together. So. Close.

  This is all so messed up, but sitting here fretting over it isn’t going to do anything. We have the visitation to get to and that means I need to get ready.

  Pulling myself up to get through tonight is difficult. It constantly feels like a weight is sitting on my shoulders making it difficult to do anything. My emotions have shut down permanently. At least that's what I thought before I walked into our living room to see the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on. The fact that she's the Alayna only strengthened the protective, intense feelings I have for her. I know her, almost as well as I know the guys, and I will do whatever I can to protect her.