Save Me (The Broken Souls Series Book 1) Page 4
I finally make my way to my room to finish getting myself put together. I take more care with my appearance than I had originally planned. The reason I repeat to myself is that I'm honouring Declan. The truth is not as beautiful as that. The truth of why I want to look my best is a thought that should never have crossed my mind.
I want her. I want her badly.
These feelings need to go to hell. My instant reaction to that broken woman was one I’ve never experienced in my life. It’s like I know her so well already through Declan that the jump to loving her is probably more like a stepping stone. None of that matters though, so I shove it all deep down inside because I should never cross that line with her. I need to put her in the same category that I have Adam and Riggs, the platonic chosen family category. Just because she looks like an angel hellbent on sinning does not mean I should be thinking about throwing her on my bed and having my way with her. She was, and still is, Declan's. I refuse to be that person.
My twenty minutes are up so I make my way back to the living room. Riggs is there nursing another drink. Adam strolls in right after me, looking chagrined as he looks between Riggs and I. He gives us his apology nod which we both eagerly accept. Tonight is not about us or any of our shit. Tonight is for Declan and now it's also for Alayna.
The visitation tonight is for close friends and family to get a chance to say goodbye. He didn't have many of those, pretty much just the people in this house and maybe a couple others. We still decided to go through with a visitation because the funeral will be insane since there's a lot more people who think they were close to him. People liked to use him while he was alive for fame, fortune or just because he was a giving guy. They're now going to use him for their social media stories to get clout for saying goodbye to the rockstar like they were close.
If there's one thing I've learned in my thirty years of life, it's that most people are no better than vultures. They circle around and find out what they can gain from others in life or death. They attack the weakest links and absorb whatever they can to sustain the image they want the world to see. It's disgusting and pisses me off more than I care to admit.
Adam grabs his keys since he no longer drinks. Riggs has had a few already and won't drive while under the influence.
Piling into the pickup truck, Adam and I in the front, Riggs taking up the backseat by himself. Riggs doesn't do well sitting in the passenger seat since a DUI accident a long time ago. He can drive or he's in the back seat, the passenger side is a trigger for him that he avoids at all costs.
"Let's try to keep tonight calm and focus on Declan," I remind them when we're five minutes away from the funeral home. "All of our bullshit needs to be sidelined until after the funeral. Dec deserves that much."
"Got it," Adam agrees with a single blunt nod. His face looks like he's mad and devastated all at once. Dec's death has hit him the hardest out of all of us.
"Of course," Riggs rumbles from the back seat. "Are you still planning on doing the eulogy at the funeral?"
"I am," I answer in a low voice. "It was one of the last things he asked of me, I can't not do it."
"You'll do a great job," he responds, clapping my shoulder from behind. "You always know the right thing to say."
Nodding, I look out the window to avoid any more questions. I still have no idea what I am going to say or even what I should say. I can't say how I really feel about all of this, about how he left. I'm sad about losing my friend and I'm mad at him for taking himself from us. This whole situation has me all mixed up.
I know he probably felt he had no other choice, but he did. I told him so many times that we were there for him. We talked about how much he would leave behind if he ever killed himself. His life was just starting to come together and I'm fucking pissed at him that he destroyed it just like that. We could have helped him, we could have done something for him. He stopped fighting for himself and I'm trying to forgive him for it. I'm not there yet though and I don't know when I will be.
We pull up to the home, none of us particularly ready for this. All of us collectively suck in a breath, trying to find the strength to get this over with. I don't want to go in there and see his lifeless face. My body is shaking from head to toe as I force myself to step out of the truck. I'm an adult, I need to stop pussy footing around. Death is a part of life, one day it's going to come for all of us.
Adam and Riggs step up beside me, none of us rushing to go inside. I've always been the leader of our group and right now, looking at the anguish on both of their faces, I need to be the one to lead again.
"Let's go," I beckon as I move towards the door.
No one else is here yet, which is how we planned it. For Alayna, I wrote the time 20 minutes earlier than the visitation is supposed to start so that she didn't have to see Declan with an audience. She should be here in about ten minutes which gives us time to make sure everything is how it's supposed to be.
Lucky for us, Dec had all of his instructions written out for us and attached to his suicide note. He was so thoughtful when he decided to take his own life, making sure we didn't have to worry about anything. It's so unbelievably fucking thoughtful. You know what else would have helped us not worry about anything? Him still being here.
The rage and sorrow I feel consumes me every time I think about how much he thought about us but couldn't even find it in him to think about himself. He couldn't stop to think about what he was losing or what he could have gained by staying alive. No, he thought about what he could do to make our lives easier. It’s just like that fucking guy, he thought about everyone else before himself.
We walk into the room where the casket is set up and see the funeral director putting some finishing touches on the room. There's minimal flowers since Declan wasn't a huge fan of them. He wanted the room to be filled with light and warmth instead. He always said he didn't like the shadows, he needed pure light or complete darkness. His first professional photo that was taken for the music label is on a stand by the open casket, giving you a glimpse of who he was and what he's been reduced to. I know that's not the point of it but it sure does give you that image.
"It looks just like he wanted it to," I say to no one in particular.
"It does," Riggs answers me. I look over as he rubs his face with both hands in an effort to hold himself together. "I need another drink."
"I'll break out the good stuff when we get through this," I assure him as I give him my best attempt at a smile. It honestly feels as broken as I do.
It's at this moment that I hear the click of heels on the floor outside of the visitation room. Turning around I see Alayna appear in the doorway. Her black hair is flowing in waves over her shoulders and she's dressed in black slacks and a pretty black top. She stops short as she sees the casket at the front of the room. I watch her face as a million emotions run across it, each one more devastating than the last. Tears fill her eyes as she drops to her knees in front of us for the second time today.
Chapter Five
Alayna
This can't be real. This can't be fucking real. This has to be just another one of my nightmares, only this time it's a fear about my future and not my past. I want to pinch myself to wake up from this awful dream. There's no way that this is reality, he wouldn't leave like this. My mind is filled with denial that Declan, my Declan, would just give up. He fought so hard for me and he fought so hard for himself. We both got out of the horror, why would he do this?
My knees hit the floor, pain richochetting through my legs, as my body collapses from the complete and utter torrent of emotions flooding me. Seeing his picture beside that casket is like a knife in my heart, twisting and cutting me with every erratic beat. His smile is one I know so well, but also not at all. It’s on the face of a beautiful man that resembles the boy I loved. I missed seeing him turn into that person because I waited ten fucking years to come find him.
I failed him.
Someone’s arms surround me, the smell of sandalwood
drifting up to my nose. The scent provokes a calmness in me that I grasp at desperately. There’s something familiar about it that I can’t immediately place, yet it makes me feel safe and comforted. Safe is not a word I throw around lightly, it’s been a long time since someone created that feeling in me. That in itself shakes me out of my grief just a little bit. I can’t let myself feel safe, not around strangers. It’s a mistake I’ve made one too many times.
Pulling out of the strong arms surrounding me, I jump to my feet and turn to face the person holding me. Rhys holds his hands up in the air, his face showing only sympathy and his own grief. My shoulders drop a little, the air releasing from my lungs in one deep breath that takes away some tension.
“Please don’t touch me,” I whisper, wiping my eyes lightly with the back of my hand. “I know you mean well, but please don’t.”
“I’m sorry,” he answers, his voice deep and sincere. “Did you want me to walk up with you? I won’t touch you, but I can stand beside you while you say your goodbyes.”
My mind freezes for a second, my need to show I’m a strong person warring with my need for comfort in this moment. It’s so hard accepting help because in my experience it always comes with a price, one that’s more than I care to pay. However, the sincerity on his face and the kindness in his eyes makes me want to accept. They were Declan’s friends and I trusted him. Maybe I should trust them just a little bit?
“Okay.” I nod, dropping my eyes to the floor as I play with the hem of my black top. “I would appreciate that.”
Rhys nods his head, one lock of long blonde hair falling into his face before he tucks it back behind his ear. My hand itches to do that for him, my body crying out for any affection or human touch that I can get. Slamming the lid on that box, I turn around to take the first step towards the casket. Time freezes again, my limbs refusing to move any further as I catch a glimpse of that photo again.
Oh, Declan. Why did you do this?
Rhys moves in front of me, leading the way to Declan and my final goodbyes. As he walks forward my feet follow, moving me closer and closer until I’m right in front of him. His face is so peaceful as he lays here, lifeless and so unaware of the pain he’s unleashed. He’s so beautiful, even in death. My hand twitches, that same urge I had with Rhys rearing it’s ugly head to get me to tuck just one piece of his dark brown hair behind his ear.
“Why?” My voice shakes, fresh tears falling down my cheeks. “Why, Declan? I was coming for you. I was meant to finally save you.”
Another why sits on the tip of my tongue. Why didn’t you fight just a little bit longer? He just needed to last until I could come and fight his demons for him. We were so close to finding our happy ending together. So fucking close to it. The blame falls on me though. If I didn’t take my sweet ass time finding him, he would still be here. If I could have reached out and told him I was coming to help him, he would still be here.
So, I guess the better question is why did I fail him?
“Declan.” My voice breaks on his name, all of the grief, pain, and guilt pouring out of me with that one word. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry for failing you. You were my best friend, my first love, and most of all my biggest hero. Life wasn’t kind to us, but you made it better. I am going to miss you more than you will ever know. Rest in peace, my love. Rest for both of us.”
The words I love you slip silently from my lips as I give in to my tears one more time. This is my moment to be weak and to let myself feel for all I’ve lost. Tomorrow I’ll be stronger and pick myself up from the pain, but for tonight, I’ll let myself be weak.
Riggs steps up beside me, his hand resting on the casket just an inch away from my own. My knuckles are white with how tightly I’m gripping the light brown, pine wood, but slowly they loosen as I watch Riggs’ massive hand relax against the same wood. Riggs takes a deep breath beside me, his inhale and exhale perfectly timed making my own body immediately copy it until I feel some of the tension I was holding slip away.
“People are showing up.” Adam’s voice breaks through the silence like a blaring horn, my body instantly tensing up again.
“I’m going to go,” I whisper to no one in particular as I turn away from Declan for the very last time.
There’s no way I’m being this vulnerable in front of an even bigger audience which means the funeral tomorrow is out of the question. My attendance won’t make a difference to Dec, he’s not here anymore. He won’t ever care about anything again.
“Alayna, wait!” Rhys calls out, his footsteps coming up quickly behind me. “Are you coming to the funeral tomorrow?”
“No,” I answer, looking anywhere but at him. “I’ve said my goodbye, there’s nothing left for me to come back for.”
“Are you leaving town then?” The concern in his voice is enough to make me look up at him. His blue eyes searching my face for something, his blonde brows furrowing with worry.
“Probably?” I say, my voice wavering with uncertainty. “I got answers. Not the ones I wanted, but with Declan—” I pause, my mouth refusing to say the word gone. “There’s nothing left for me.”
“We were wondering if you would like to go through his stuff with us,” he asks after a small beat of hesitation. “There may be something in there that means more to you than it does to us. Something you could have of his.”
My head starts nodding before I even fully think about my answer. That may help me, seeing his life now and getting a feel for who he turned out to be. That, or it’s going to fucking gut me all over again. I’ll take that chance to get my hands on even a small piece of the boy I once loved.
“Good.” Rhys smiles, that same strand of hair falling in his face as he hands me a slip of paper with his phone number on it. “Text me when you feel ready and we’ll make a plan for it. The funeral is tomorrow at eleven a.m. if you change your mind.”
“Alright,” I murmur, my voice dropping as my body goes numb from the emotional overload of the day. Moving past him, I make my way out of the funeral home as other people start trickling in. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and this will all have been a horrible nightmare. Placing my head on my steering wheel, I chuckle without humour. I learned long ago to stop wishing the bad stuff away, this time isn’t any different.
Adam
My gaze follows the beautiful woman out of the funeral home. There’s something about her that grates on my nerves, but I just can’t put my finger on it. It could be that she’s drop-dead gorgeous and somehow suddenly showed up just as Dec killed himself. It could be that in my experience women like that don’t do anything without an ulterior motive. Whatever it is, I don’t like it.
“Glad she’s gone,” I mutter to Riggs, annoyance leaking into every word.
“Shut the fuck up,” Riggs snaps, his voice a deep growl laced with anger. “You could learn to have some basic compassion. Maybe a little fucking empathy.”
“Maybe if you took your eyes off of her perfect fucking ass you would see that this has too many coincidences to not be on purpose.”
Riggs swings his body to face me, his fist clenched at his side. Thankfully for my face, Rhys is there to place a hand on his shoulder and make him stand down. Rhys glares at me, his icy silence making my anger burn hotter than ever. My hands shake as I fight the urge to explode on them even further. I’m already skating on thin ice with them and if I want to stay off the streets or out of the community center backroom then I need to bite my tongue.
People start coming in as we silently agree to drop this argument. For now in my case. I won’t let this woman come in and ruin my brothers or steal from Dec. I don’t really give a shit who she was to him in the past, she deserted him and you can’t fucking trust a deserter.
“Hey guys,” Drew, Dec’s manager, drawls with a somber face. “How are you holding up?”
The man makes my skin crawl, his personality always reminding me of a vulture waiting to strike. He doesn’t give a shit and is only here to make himself look good,
guaranteed.
Riggs grunts in response, his eyes already distant as he shuts down to deal with his emotions. Rhys shakes his hand, murmuring to him all the boring shit you need to say to make other people comfortable. No one tells the truth about how they’re really feeling, it’s always white lies and sugarcoating. People don’t like to hear the truth, especially when it means they need to show they give a shit.
I scoff when he looks at me after, my face a mask of anger and frustration. Turning on my heel, I walk away from the crowds of people all pretending like they gave a fuck about Declan. None of them have given two thoughts to the lot of us unless it was for something they needed. It’s a room full of fake fuckers and I want no fucking part of it.
Stepping outside, I reach for my pack of smokes before remembering I quit six months ago. If only I had the foresight to realize how desperately I’d need them now. My hand moves down, rubbing around my right knee to relieve the pressure above where my prosthetic sits. I’ve been on it far too much lately and I’m starting to feel it. I’ll need a realignment done soon, I can feel the instability creeping up again. Unfortunately, like man-made things, it needs tune ups.
There’s a bench closer to the parking lot, under an old tree that looks like the perfect spot to get away and rest my leg. I’ll need to make another appearance inside soon, but for now, I’m going to mourn Dec without an audience.
Sitting down feels so fucking good, I let out a groan of satisfaction. Throwing my head back, I look up into the leaves like they’ll have the answers to why the fuck this is all happening. It’s not the fucking tree of life, but I’m begging it for answers nonetheless.